Poison Junky Girl

Sometimes I feel like I know too many self-obsessed people. They're always thinking about their problems and how they feel and don't really give a damn about anyone else but themselves. Then here I am, selflessly talking to them and try to help them and when I feel the sting of something, no one gives a damn. Maybe I give too much in friendships? I mean, all I really have for people is to be there for them. I'm kind of useless everywhere else in life. It just gets exhausting to have to hold people up all the time, and have no one really care about me when I'm feeling down.

I'm running on day two of feeling pretty lonely. I feel like the friends I do have are going out of their way to ignore me. Or I'm just not prominent enough in their mind that I'm not worth enough to talk to. I flat out say "I'm lonely" and I get a cyber hug then ignored. How the hell else am I supposed to feel? Because right now... I wonder why I even bother.

I don't really know how to articulate very well what I'm feeling at the moment, so what I type is probably going to seem incredibly stupid. I can't really bring myself to care about that, though. So... here goes.

For the last couple weeks I've been kind of feeling like I'm unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I mean, in some things I feel pretty good but in others I'm incredibly depressed. My computer took a dive on me last week and I'm getting a new one because my mother is pretty awesome. So obviously I'm really happy about that, but on another hand... I kind of wonder if maybe I don't even need it. I mean, I know I need it because I would go bonkers without a computer (that doesn't lag as I type) at my disposal. In the last twelve years I've become so dependent on having one, especially within the last eight. I'm not a social person by nature and I try to put on a brave face for people, but deep down... I need a computer to function because I'm too scared to face anyone and interact with them in real life. It's incredibly loser-like, but it is what it is and I can't hide it any more than I could the fact that I'm incredibly blunt. Which is why I'm kind of taking it so hard that I feel like nothing more than an inconvenience to my friends. It's not something I'm unfamiliar with. In fact I'm rather familiar with it, having lost a good portion of people I talk to on a daily basis for one reason or another over the last several years. It just gets me incredibly down when I feel like that's happening or about to happen again.

See, I'm not good at making friends. I'm too blunt and have such a strong personality, that I'm sure it can be pretty daunting and seem too serious to talk with me sometimes. And the fact that I can be boarish and insensitive probably adds to my lack of likability. Top that off with the fact that if someone pisses me off, they're instantly my enemy... well. Yeah. I'm not without my personality flaws, but at least I'm a loyalist when I do make important friendships. Just don't supremely piss me off, and I'm there for life to string along as people please.

Sometimes I feel like I have too many bad qualities. I try to change and keep my mouth shut, but it kind of wells up like a shaken bottle and KAPOW! I burst. Which probably drives people off, because I can be pretty damn all of the above when I'm in that state of mind. Especially if I don't understand their behavior, which I will come clean about - I don't understand why people act so irrationally most of the time. I don't understand how people can't see something that's smacking them in the face.

But I digress, because I'm getting onto another topic entirely, and not what's bothering me.

Today, within the span of ten minutes of talking to two different friends I said what I felt: "I'm just sorta... feeling like an extra wheel to everyone so keeping my distance". It might have been a little bit of a passive comment since it was attached to something else, but it was in plain sight and really bluntly put. And instead of being told I matter, they made it about themselves. I guess maybe I'm being a little sensitive on the topic, but when coupled with the fact that I feel like I'm sinking into some dark little hole away from their light... it made me feel pretty damn bad. Like some little inconsequential spec of dust sitting on their shoulder, and had been brushed aside. I hate feeling like that. I've felt like that nearly my whole life by a lot of people who were supposed to be important to me. Teachers, family, friends, and most especially peers. I have always felt like the underdog, and when my feelings are ignored like that... I just feel like an underdog all over again.

See? Stupid. It's something so incredibly small but makes me feel so ridiculous. I shouldn't be taking it as hard as I am, but I am, and being a spongy rock and not a solid one like I should be. That probably makes no sense, but usually I pride myself on being thick skinned because I've seen that much scorn in my life. Today I'm just being a big idiot.

First of all, I'll start on a good note and say: Yay! I got my glasses today~ I look all smart and geeky now and I actually really enjoy having them on. They're a little disorienting and make everything super clear and I'm not used to that, but they're so wonderful. I can read the cable box in the living room from across the room now! Which means I don't have to squint to see the time~

Second, I'm sorry religious people. But I have to say this: I hate your religion. Well, if you're Catholic/Christian/whatever 'one god' BS that you believe. It doesn't mean I hate you, and I'm sorry I have to put it so bluntly, but your religion makes a lot of crazy fuckers come out of the woodwork. They spoil it for everyone. I have never felt so much hate for people who use what is supposed to be a positive teaching to create so much animosity toward people who haven't done anything to them just because they're different. When I was growing up my grandad would tell me crackpot things such as the dinosaurs never existed and that whites were the supreme race. I know he was just a misguided asshole with his own views, but the fact that he derived those messages from his Catholic belief is appalling. What's worse is that the church heads would agree with him.

Now, admittedly I know there's a lot of good that comes out of those religions, but lately there's been far too many assholes rearing their super ugly heads that overshadows good people. Fucking bible thumpers who misunderstand what's written and use teachings for evil purposes. Because excuse me but doesn't that big story book say to 'love thy fellow man'?

Yeah. Not a lot of that happening lately.

What got this started was seeing something on facebook. This. It's a protest against some prayer and fasting thing on August 6th, but there are quotes from some christian asshole in them that I just... I want to ram my fist down his throat and hope to snap his neck in the process. I know I'm being hypocritical in saying this, but what gives anyone the right to say something is wrong? People can't help who they are, any more than they can help the fact that they need to breath. But to say that incest, polygamy, and livestock screwing will come of Gay marriage? It makes no sense to me, and I already hate how people use the bible to argue the fact that being Gay is wrong. Excuse the fuck out of me, but the bible was written by MAN and edited to suit their own needs throughout the last couple thousand years. Just how many versions of the bible are out there? All of them different. And people take all this, edits and all, word for word because apparently it was handed down to them by god? Bullshit.

Think for yourselves, you fucking sheep! There is a brain somewhere inside that head of yours, and I swear it's meant for some higher purpose than to create more assholes in the world.

^ That is directed toward the crazy people, by the way. So, don't take any offense to this but I'm pissed off at the douchebags who use fear and hate to hurt people because of their differences, whatever they may be. Mind you, I know that my post is using hate and I've ranted enough, but... Uhg. I know what it's like to be told every waking day for years that "you're going to hell because of...". It's frightening because as children we're taught about this fictional (or nonfictional, I don't know) place where you're tortured every day for eternity, and whether we believe in this place or not the human psyche is ingrained with the notion to fear this place because it's terrible. Why would anyone want to do that to someone else? I'm not saying "don't fear hell because it's okay to sin" but at least don't be the person to judge a soul based on who or what they are. Isn't the point of religion to have God do this? It's not man's place. And THAT is what I hate about bible thumpers. They take it upon themselves to weigh a person's soul and force them into pain and fear by using words that were handed down by their deity.

Frankly, it pisses me off.

It's pretty fucking sad when you've had a best friend for upwards of 10 years, and it feels like she's no longer a sister or a best friend. Okay, admittedly I bitched at her for being happy. Told her I would probably like her boyfriend more if she didn't always have to talk about him. He seems great, and from the conversations I've seen between them he's her perfect fit, so I'm really happy for her for finding someone worth it. It's just, she has this habit of no matter what we talk about, to always bring the conversation back to her boyfriends. "Oh, *insert name* did this and his family loves me". Things like that. Like I said, I'm happy for her - the crazy bitch needs someone more stable than herself around her. So, I'm not really perturbed about it, in the long run.

What I'm aggravated over, is how she ignored my not so subtle hint that I needed to talk. That I was feeling like shit and said so, but the only thing I got back as a response was a silence so loud it was deafening. It's been over a week since that happened, so I figured it's water under the bridge by now. We have always bounced back from tiffs pretty easily. So, I also asked her something on her facebook status and rather than respond to me there too she skipped over my comment entirely. Now, I'm not a psychologist, but I do make a habit of studying behavior patterns as a means for protection. I role play, so character homework comes natural anyway. And that? That's not normal behavior. She's always answered me before.

Maybe I'm paranoid and jumping to conclusions here. Maybe I'm not. But it really bloody well bothers me to no end that I've listened to her rant and rave and cry about who knows how much shit in all that time. Completely crazy crap sometimes, too. I've believed her lies, went along with most of them and I've told more than my fair share of lies for her. And when I'm the one crying as I send a frustrated and pissy text message, she ignores me.

It's enough to make me think of defriending her on facebook and removing her as my sister. Because Jess of all people has seen some of just how fucked up my life has been, and just how much I've been treated like garbage by people. I don't need it from her too. I'll be damned if I let her walk on me like the rest of the world seems to like to do for recreation.

I don't get it. Really. I don't get how someone can see me waste my life away on the computer and not take the initiative to help me change it, when I reach out for it. Because I have. For the last couple years I've been really trying to smack the idea of college into peoples heads. I know that if I can't find something, I'll have to make it. But I'm willing to bend and learn to do it, but my efforts are blocked before I can even try. I've been pretty much alone my whole life - I don't want to do this alone too. For years, they've been saying they'll teach me how to drive so I can get a job and go to school easier. Yet there's always something sidetracking them. And what's worse, is that I can't do any of it on my own. I could teach myself to drive, but I'd probably end up in jail for the attempt. I can't pay for my own eye exam so I can see while driving, even if I got my license. I can't even find a job in my area so I can try and do it on my own, either. When I take a walk, I'm gone for hours and it's not because I like to look at everything in the store. It's because it takes that long to get there and back. We're so far away from everything, it takes a half hour in the hot heat to get anywhere on foot.

When I thought we were going to move to the Orlando area, I was relieved. I knew that there would be something there for me to do - school, job, maybe even a life? All quickly dashed, leaving me stuck with the same frustrating problem of having to wait on everyone else to make time for me. I'm so, so sick of waiting. I'll be in the grave before I get anywhere, going at this pace. Then my life will amount to absolutely nothing, and it would be because I have to wait on people who so obviously don't care. Yet they continue to bitch that I have nothing to contribute and that I embarrass them. It's not my fault here. I'm waiting on them because I have no other choices. It makes me look like a fool when I keep having to tell people I'm 'still thinking' about something. As if I'm some indecisive moron, who'd rather laze about on my computer. Granted, I love it and I love the people I talk to, but believe me when I say I'm ready for much, much more than just being a waste of space.

Uhg. I really hate that I can't say this aloud. That I have to be strong and endure it because I might be attacked for showing weakness. It leaves me always feeling like a small child and I hate it.

I don't get angry often. Sure, I get annoyed but it's quickly over once I've been able to cool off. But right now, I can't decide if I'm frustrated with myself or the people around me. It seems like no one has time for me anymore. I'm nothing but background noise. Usually that's okay. I don't mind it.

But god-fucking-damnit!

Right now I need people. I need for them to sidetrack me and pretend with me, so I don't have to think of how things are. How closed my world seems again, and how much it makes me want to cry or hit things. I'm so tired of being given hope, and then being stopped because every fucking person who can do anything is either too busy or doesn't give a flying fuck.

I'M TIRED OF BEING INVISIBLE GODDAMNIT!

What, do I have to walk up to people and smack them over the face to get noticed? I thought I was large enough to block the sun out already. But no. I'm just a fat fucking chud who's little more than looked at once and recognized as not being worth anyone's fucking time.

WELL FUCK YOU ASSHOLES!

God damn.

Okay, I admit it. It bothers the hell out of me. I want what everyone else in the world has and is capable of - relationships, love, trust, someone to adore them for their faults and praise them for their triumphs. I also admit it that I'm a romantic in thinking these things exist and a pessimist in knowing they just don't exist in 'my world'. I don't put myself out there because I don't yet sometimes strangely do want attention.

I'm a walking paradox; a nightmare and a great friend with the potential to be so much more. I'm also a withered flower that blooms in the night time, yet doesn't get enough sun to grow. I have a poetic heart, and a killer soul.

But in all of these things, I am always lonely. Insecure. Scared. I tell myself 'friends are enough to get me by', but in the end I am always unchanging.

No. I do change. I grow more bitter and alone than ever before. Not made to measure up, I suppose. But I'm not getting any younger, and while relationships and I mix like water and oil, I'd like to try one that lasts longer than a couple months. Not once in my 11 years and 4 relationships have I surpassed the three month mark. Ever.

I... am pathetic.

Asking friends to give me prompts for original fiction, and then procrastinating because I don't feel like writing any of them... really sucks.

I mean, go figure. lmao

To say I'm almost always questioning my life and what I'm even doing (or lack there of) in it would be an understatement. I always wonder. I always question. More times than I ever care to admit, even. I'm always here, in front of my computer doing things to entertain myself as a means of escape. What am I trying to escape, you ask? Reality. Reality was never my friend. It's a cold bitch, that even as a child I ran away from.

But who wouldn't, with my past? I could go into detail with it, but it would depress me and there's far too much. It would be like whipping a dead horse as well, so we'll just say for the sake of skipping a rehash that I've endured quite a lot of psychological and physical abuse in my life. I'm such damaged goods, that I would sooner crawl into a hole and entertain myself if it meant I didn't have to remember such personal atrocities.

But I digress.

When I was a teenager I would write (badly, I might add) fanfiction. I learned to create stories, and vowed to change the face of fiction in one manor or the other. But as always, I sidetracked myself by my love of music and visual entertainment. Boybands, movies, and dance had been my life as a teenager, and as my musical taste changed so did my obsessions. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I wanted to become a musician. I was terrible at it, and soon gave up for the written word again. Something I was also terrible at, mind you. But as I continued writing, I soon realized I was getting better. I liked it. Maybe not so much reading fiction, but I loved creating it. Writing allowed me to escape my troubles, and as I recall, I used to be quite the poet back in the day. Or I would write song lyrics that now I consider terrible by any standard, but for the time they were good.

But I found anime and manga, and was once again sidetracked. Only now I found a way to incorporate my love for writing by role playing the characters I loved. As I took on more and more, the capacity to play different, and more complex characters gave me the experience I needed to make my writing better. Through taking on different personality types, I was able to shift my writing from character to character in order to grow. Never have I once regretted spending so much time on such a trivial pleasure. I can honestly say that through role playing, I've grown tremendously as a person as well as a writer.

Though the question remains... what do I do with this experience? I can write fanfiction and role play for the rest of my life, and never get anywhere... or I can use this experience to create my own stories for the pleasure of those who like to read, but feel they can't write. However, I still question myself. I may be egotistical when it comes to my writing, and my ability to make people feel my characters, but I still wonder.

Do I actually have what it takes to finish something? I have, never to my recollection, finished anything I set out to do. So lately, I've been running away from my writing as well.

Perhaps I'm just a coward. :/

That was a strange ass dream. I only remember the tail end, where Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory had set something off to eradicate the 'lower life forms'. Apparently in my dream he thought it was a good idea to try and escape the gas fog he created to do it... by going into the ocean in a dingy. But then he remembers the ocean will be boiling as a result from his gas, and it leaves him stranded. Funniest part was waking up to hear "Oh, this isn't good" as he realizes this.

The expression I remember on his face is XD the best part. o_o uh oh.

lmao.